20 very funny Husband and wife jokes

1. Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair…"
Husband: "Bloody English Language!”

2. An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. “Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.”
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

3. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems,
No TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home..
Husband: What did the doctor say ?
Wife:- No chance for u to survive.

4. ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

5. Woman Buys A New SIM Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

6. Cool Message by a woman:
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

7. A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

8. Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

9. Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"

10. When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

11. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

12. What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

13. Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

14. Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

15. A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making a call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

16. Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

17. What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn't believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn't see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

18. Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell your Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

19. A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."

20. Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why?
Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!